In conversation with MachiLeA

“I see him every day. Sometimes I even hear him when he least knows it. Of course, he knows I exist, but I wonder how many times in a day he actually thinks about it. Actually, there was this one time he, sort of, acknowledged me, and I grinned for like an hour because I just had to.

“He was walking by Frank’s Coffee House with Daniel, and I know how fast he walks – the man’s always in a hurry—but then he paused. I could see he walked close to the door of Frank’s. It was 11pm, so obviously it was shut. Yet I figured he would have probably wanted to go in. I knew he had never been inside, not while I was watching him, at least. And I have been watching him for a long time. Now, I know how great Frank’s is. It is literally flushed with people from 6pm to 9pm on weekdays, and 1pm to 5pm on weekends. Plus, Noelle, the barista who works there is an Instagram model with more than 3,000 followers, and her account isn’t even public.

“Anyway, so later when he got back home and it was nearly his bedtime, I thought of doing something funny. I knew he had an appointment for coffee with Alex in 5 days at 8pm. As far as I could tell, they hadn’t really decided on a place. This was my shot. I know his bedtime rituals: he will go on Facebook – scroll down his newsfeed – inevitably click on his ex’s profile – look at all her pictures with her new beau – go on that guy’s profile – click his tongue a few times in derision – close Facebook – open Instagram, and do the same exact thing. I wonder if he knows she visits his profile just as often. So, this time when he opened Facebook, before showing him Leslie’s updates, I played an ad for Frank’s. It was simply hilarious to see him raise his eyebrows. I couldn’t really see the rest of his face because he was holding his phone so close, but his eyes looked so adorable. His heart rate suddenly went up. He took a screenshot of the ad and shared it with Daniel with the caption “How do they know I wanted to go here?”. It was absolutely comical.

“I do worry for him sometimes. Ever since Leslie and he stopped talking to each other, his taste in music has changed. I know how much he likes classic rock, and I keep trying to suggest him his favourites, but he just seems to gravitate towards the sad pop songs by Coldplay. I would have been OK with it if it made him any happier, but he has almost stopped exercising. He cannot seem to maintain a running streak for more than two days. The other day he was searching “cures for chronic headache” and I felt so helpless that I can’t go give him an actual hug. Moreover, his You Porn Premium subscription is about to expire and he doesn’t even seem to want to renew it. It’s like he doesn’t want to be helped. Actually, now that I think about it, I am going to try and sneak in some ads for the therapist Dr. Rosen (5-star rating by 267 satisfied clients) right before one of his sad Coldplay songs.

“It’s almost time for him to wake up now, I think I should get back to work. He is going to want to know the news updates before he gets to the office. Tomorrow he is going to Frank’s with Alex and guess whose shift it is at the counter at 8? That’s right, Noelle, the Instagram model! I hope something works out for them. Fingers crossed!”

About MachiLeA: (short for Machine Learning Algorithms) stays with her companion every step he takes. She is a very caring friend and says that in the age of internet of things she hasn’t had any sleep.


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